02.24.28 - Transformation: I finally get it!

Well, I've been thinking about doing this for a long time. I've been going through a suffering period in my life, for really the last several years now. Over the last year, it's gotten so much greater (yesterday, I would have said "worse," but my mind is being transformed).

I have SO many dreams! Dreams, creativity, and passion for doing great things for the kingdom of God! But I've lost it all...in general. I've come to a place where I barely pray (other than general stuff or for others), I'm discontent with my church, I just don't know how to connect with Him anymore. On the one hand - I agree - it is so simple! Just look in His word - it's right there! - just get on my knees - He just wants me to talk to Him! - and yet it is so hard! It has brought me to tears so many times.

But THANK GOD, He doesn't allow us to remain there. See - I've become so uncomfortable, I HAVE to make a change. If I don't, I will die. Simple as that. A little dramatic, but trust me - it feels that way. I don't know how people go on ignoring God and doing their own thing; it's too painful for me. I used to kind of have a condescending view of those folks: God has something great for me to do (I still believe that) and I can't be like them other folks...but I have been. I have been in a place of suffering; not FOR God, but because of MY disobedience.

I have chosen my own spoiled route for far too long. I only remain here because I have chosen to. DO YOU KNOW HOW DIFFICULT THAT IS TO ADMIT?!!!!!!!! For the ugly, moldy, heff-tastic mess that I am?! It's growth for me to even do that! I don't say that with authority, I say it through grace and with conviction.

Now on to the meat...

I have entitled this blog as "Going Through God's Process" because it is where I am. But as I overheard my Friend's mom say, "...sometimes God has you go through things to be an example for others." It's something that I know, but forget in my innate selfishness. Rebecca Osaigboro authored a book that I love, "It's Not About You - It' About God." I've been reading it for over a year now - you know how we do - read it, put it down, pick it back up & read it, put it down... So, it's not like I have not been exposed. However, I've talked about it, desired it, but I've never put it into action. I mean, I felt like I was doing it, but I realized only to a point - that point until my spoiled, selfish nature was inconvenienced.

Again, I do feel that God has a great work for me to do. I believe that I have a greater purpose for His kingdom - does that mean that I am greater? NO - but we do know that we all have varying degrees of purpose in His kingdom.

Okay, so before this gets too long, let me bring you up to speed. I can't stand my job. I can't stand half them folks I work with - and they know it and I don't give a scratch that they do. Or at least I didn't. See, it's funny how when you ask God for something (not the "good" stuff, but the stuff you ask for that you should want, but don't really want - i.e. patience, etc.), despite your false sincerity, He will truly give it to you. Anyways, I am SO ready to raise up out that piece I'ma do a praise dance when He moves! I didn't use to feel that way; my old boss was AWESOME. He is young, Black, educated, inspiring, gives you opportunities - to prove yourself, work hard, shine a bit - I mean, he was just THE BEST boss. Now my new one (we'll call him Boss #2)...let's just say he aint my old boss. So initially, I had to get over it. I've tried, but at times I still wish he was back. Additionally, over the last year, our environment has changed. There are many new people - primarily of the same culture - and they are different. That I can deal with, but things are just different. Just recently, because of my boss' promotion (um hmm...whatever), they have brought in someone new (Boss #3 - just like him!) and I'm not feeling that fool at all.

Now, Boss #2 has been asking me off & on what's wrong with (ugh! - so annoying). But I must admit, there has been a change in me. Now granted, when I first started there - I loved it! Of course I was smiling, carefree, blah blah blah...but now, not so much. I'm not feeling it. I want to go there, do my job, and go home - until I find another one.

But this is where it starts to be no longer about me. Now why this is not enough, is beyond my human understanding. But obviously, God has something different. Now I don't really know what that is - for my natural nature, it's fake to me "hee hee, ha ha" & smile in folks faces when I don't like them. But I suppose that is not in the manner of expressing God's love (hence, transformation). For those that know me well, this is SOOOOOOOOOOOO difficult for me to do. I don't even know how! So now I have a new area of prayer (AND fasting), because this is going to take a work in me.

Thankfully, God has been giving me tools. I am a partner with Paula White's ministry and just the other day, I received a gift. It's her 8-Week Guide to Spiritual Transformation. Now aint that bout a blip! But the first week lesson truly was awesome, but my attitude with them folks was still quite cold last week. See - the problem is, you can't just go to God and say "okay God, I don't want to be here, so let me just do whatever it is you want so you can move me" - this is an "I"-centered statement. This is where I've been. But also over the last week, I have really been struggling to make my ignorant nature bow to Christ and WILLINGLY submit to God's Will. In order for me to move to the next level, obviously there is something that I have to change in my treatment of people I do not particularly care for (i.e. operating in God's love) - not that I'm mean, but I AM colder than Antarctica. It's ridiculous ya'll - I REALLY need some prayer.

This is really the purpose of this blog. I want to share with you where I am in my walk; in honesty and by faith. But throughout this process, I am hoping that it can be a blessing to you or to whomever you pass it on to. I'll be updating at least once a week (maybe more) with various lessons learned and to give accountability on my progress. Someone else might be in the place and we can hold hands together; but if not, maybe someone will end up here in the future and will need a word that encourages them. No longer do I want to operate in my will, but in His Will. It's going to be a process, but hopefully not too arduous of one - I've just got to cooperate! :o)

Keep me in prayer, keep the faith, & keep moving forward!